using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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