Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
