Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
