Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
