i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
