hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn