You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.