omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
