Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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