Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
