i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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