In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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