You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
