i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
