In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
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I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
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I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
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