Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
