I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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