I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
