You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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