Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
