she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
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