So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
