you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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