i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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