Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
