just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
