A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
How does one acquire holy water?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
