why didn't you poke me back
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
