someone get that fucking seahorse.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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