I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
