Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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