You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
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