OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
