you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
