my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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