dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
