It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
