nut hugger
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
