He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
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