So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
