Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
