I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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