i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
