i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
