I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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