Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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