Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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