Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
