I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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