Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
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Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
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Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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