It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
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