he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
