she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
