This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
