I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
